Growing up, something felt missing. That feeling lasted throughout my childhood and well into my teens. It was that deep connection we want with other people. For me, it seemed that everywhere I turned I experienced some form of rejection. As I got older, finding a connection became harder. I was desperate to be loved.
As well as the sexual abuse I suffered, which I wrote about in my previous post, I also experienced bullying throughout the majority of my school life. It didn’t matter what I did, I didn’t seem to fit in. It was almost like my “friends” new the dark secret I was keeping. They thought I was unclean and they didn’t want anything to do with me.
I felt like I had no where to turn. I was so desperate to make friends. Even within the church I felt like an outsider. Well, who wants to be friends with the pastors kid?
I was so desperate to be loved.
Maybe that’s why I ended up experiencing this warped version of love when I was being abused. This then carried on into my teens with the countless boyfriends I had. With what I had been through, I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t know love could be something enjoyable.
I wish I knew back then what I know now. I didn’t need to be so desperate for someone to love me. Guess what? I am already loved. Just as I am. I don’t need to do anything else extra.
There is nothing in our past, in our present, or even in our future, that can keep us from the love which God has for us.
This post was written for the Five Minute Friday Community. A number of writers gather for a weekly writing challenge around a single word prompt and write to our hearts content, but only for five minutes (or there abouts).
This weeks word prompt is ‘desperate’. Click here if you want to see what other people wrote. You can also have a go yourself. What do you think of when you hear the word ‘desperate ’?
There is a subject that is rarely spoken about. It affects so many people in numerous ways, especially in churches. Don’t we deserve to be free from what holds us down? Then why avoid tackling a subject that holds so many people in chains? As a church, God calls us to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free.
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners.” Isaiah 61:1
Personally, I feel God is calling me to take a stand against this “taboo” word.
What am I referring to?
Well, if you haven’t read any of my posts before, then this may come as a shock. (I touched on the subject in my previous post). I am taking a stand for those who have been sexually abused. Especially for those who suffered when they were children, just as I was.
Far too many people feel ashamed when they suffer abuse and stay silent. Why should they? It wasn’t their fault. So, I have decided to step up, stand up and speak out and be a voice for those who feel they don’t have a voice.
I choose to stand for justice for all those who have suffered sexual abuse. Not necessarily justice in the way of bringing the perpetrators to justice, although that would always be a better outcome. It’s also justice for survivors and the way we are treated in every day life. Whether in church or in hospitals or in our work setting. By doctors, nurses, pastors or our boss. The list is endless.
Why is this important?
When we release the experiences of what we have been through in our lives, it is crucial to our healing to be treated and responded to in the right way. My experiences I have had over the years when I have shared about my past have varied quite a lot. I have found very few people really know how to react or treat a survivor of sexual abuse. People have either ignored, laughed at, or played down my experiences. People feel awkward and just don’t know what to say.
My experiences I had this last week with an endoscopy procedure is a classic example of what victims and survivors of abuse face on a daily basis. I wrote a thread on Twitter about what I went through and asked a few questions to see if I was alone in the way I felt. The sad thing was, I wasn’t.
Here’s my story…
The nurse asked me before my procedure if there were any questions. The endoscopy made me feel anxious. I shared with the nurse why I was anxious and mentioned I was sexually abused as a child. It took me a lot of courage to mention it to her. During the procedure I really struggled and started to panic. Afterwards, I asked the nurse if she had said anything to anyone. Her reply? She felt no need to.
What?? She felt no need to?
This left me feeling invalidated. How could you not feel the need to? The whole idea of me mentioning my sexual abuse was to feel reassured – especially if I panicked. I felt totally the opposite.
By God’s strength I managed to pluck up the courage to speak to a senior nurse. I expected to be sidelined and passed off with some excuse. What happened next had me in tears. She listened. She actually listened. Every word I spoke she took in and was so reassuring. And then she apologised. It was not her doing, but she apologised.
This is what should of happened in the first place. The system needs to change. People need to change. Anyone in a position where they tend to people’s wellbeing needs to know how to deal with trauma.
Far too many people have suffered when they experience sexual abuse. We shouldn’t need to carry on suffering afterwards. This is why I stand for justice for sexual abuse survivors.
I am taking part this week in the Five Minute Friday word prompt. This is where a single word is given and you write whatever comes into your head about this word. Sometimes nothing comes into my head, so I don’t always take part. Other times I might think of something, but never get 5 minutes to write. When I do write, however, it is because I have something on my heart which I would like to share.
This weeks word prompt is one of those moments where I felt prompted to share with you. The word prompt for this week is ‘lift’. (Read here to see what other people wrote). In a nutshell, when I think of the word lift, I think of how we can bring hope to other people. This is my rambling thought for this week…
Lift – Five Minute Friday Word Prompt
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
I share content that may trigger some memories for you. If that is the case, then please seek some help if necessary, and be kind to yourself.
As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, every day I make the decision to heal from the impact of the abuse I suffered. Some days are easier than others and I can process some of the shit that goes around in my head. Other days I just choose not to deal with it. Sometimes it is easier to “box and shelve” it rather than open it up and make a mess everywhere. Then there are the days when everything spills everywhere anyway and I end up in a mess.
Either way, I wake up each morning facing the same decision to make…do I want to heal? And my answer is always yes! Why? Because I want to be able to lift other people up and bring hope to those who have been through similar experiences. I want to be a voice for those who do not have a voice. I want to show to others that it is possible to live after suffering something so traumatic.
“Bless the world with your mind, heal the world with your heart, lift the world with your soul; elevate the world with your life.”
Matshona Dhliwayo
It’s not been easy
This healing journey I’ve been on has been a challenge. Some days have been so dark it’s been hard to see the light. I’ve often wondered if all this is worth it, fighting for what is right. But when I look at my children, I realise it is. I would never want them to experience what I experienced as a child growing up. No child should experience abuse, in whatever form.
If speaking out helps a child to say stop, or lifts up an adult to see hope, then it is totally worth going through the pain of healing. I couldn’t have gotten through this healing process though if it wasn’t for my faith, and also the unwavering support of my husband lifting me up. Without these, I wouldn’t have had the grace, strength and perseverance to continue.
I am joining in with the Five Minute Friday writing community this week. I haven’t written in a while. However, when I saw what the writing prompt was there was only one thing that came to my mind. To tell my story. The word prompt for this week is ‘broken’, and I may have spent a little bit more than five minutes. Click here if you would like to read what other people have written.
Broken But Not Beyond Repair
Broken But Not Beyond Repair
One of our Associate Vicars gave a sermon last Sunday. It was based on the conversion of Saul when he was travelling to Damascus. Saul’s conversion into Paul would have become one of those moments in history that would have been retold over and over again. Saul’s transformation by Jesus became ‘his story’. It was his story that would have changed how Christianity was perceived forever.
Picture this. A man who was condemning Christians so much, he would hunt them down and have them killed. This very same man had such an encounter with Christ that it completely turned him around. He now hunts non-Christians down so he can tell them the truth about Jesus and save them. What a story!
Everyone has a story to tell of how Jesus touches their life. It may not be the flash-out-of-the-sky type of story, but it is a story nonetheless that could change the way a person sees Jesus.
Our Associate Vicar asked us what our stories are and were we willing to retell our stories for others to encounter Jesus. I would like to say yes, but my story is not an easy one to share. It’s also not something everyone would want to hear. But it is a story that will show others there is hope. If there is anything that I’ve learnt over the past year from this pandemic, is that we all need hope.
My story is one that tells of a child who felt broken by the effects of sexual abuse. She felt so broken she thought no-one loved her anymore. She felt she didn’t deserve any love. In fact, as she grew older, the shame she carried grew with her.
I couldn’t trust anyone because I felt so broken. I couldn’t even trust a God who loved me no matter what I had been through. The abuse I suffered completely distorted how I viewed God, and myself. Ultimately, it affected my ability to be able to trust Him and anyone else around me.
It’s been a slow process (nothing like what Saul experienced), but over the years God has shown me how much He loves me. He has shown me it doesn’t matter how broken I may feel inside, I am not beyond repair. It’s not been easy, I won’t lie. I still struggle on a daily basis to accept God’s love and to trust Him.
One thing I am sure of though is this…I have God by my side through every step of my journey. He will send me His Holy Spirit, not to make me afraid of what is going to happen, but to give me the strength I need so I can step out and tell my story.
With the help of people who God places around me, my healing will continue and I will keep on growing. In the process, my desire is that my story provides a glimmer of hope for someone else going through something similar.
Something to think about…
Do you have a story to tell? If so, are you willing to share it with someone so they could encounter Christ? If you are a little nervous sharing, why not find a trusted friend to start off with. Telling your story for the first time can be daunting, but with practice it does get a little easier.
Prayer
Lord, thank you for the example of Paul in the Bible in the way that you encountered him. Thank you that he was faithful in telling his story to others so that they could encounter you. I pray that you send your Holy Spirit upon us to help us when we need to tell our stories. Give us the opportunities to speak to others so that we can allow them to encounter you just like we have. And if our stories are hard stories to tell, give us the courage to be a voice to those who need to hear. In your name, Amen.
If anything I have written has resonated with you, then I urge you to seek support. Please be kind to you and practice self-care. IF you’re in the US you can reach out to RAINN at 1.800.656.HOPE. If you are in the UK you can email the Samaritans at Jo@Samaritans.org or call them on 116 123 (UK) or 116 123 (ROI).
On day 5 I touched on the subject of feeling unworthy. I felt God’s love was out of my reach because I was not worthy enough. Jesus wants me to believe I am worthy and loved beyond measure. If the birds in the air are loved and provided for, then there should be no doubt that I am worthy too.
Another major obstacle I have which hinders me from accepting God’s love is trust. I think this is quite obvious on many levels.
Why Trusting is Hard
My abuser was a childminder. If you are a parent, at some point in your life you will put your trust in a childminder to look after your children well. My abuser had a completely different idea of how to keep me safe and he completely abused his power.
I lost trust in my parents. After all, they left me with the person who abused me for nearly 5 years. Granted, they didn’t know, so it wasn’t really their fault. But still, every time he came around and they left it was like they were allowing it. It took me a while to realise and come to terms with the fact they weren’t to blame.
I lost trust in myself. I couldn’t stop what was happening and I didn’t speak up. How could I have let it carry on?
I lost trust in the education system. Every time I hear or see the description of what to look for in a child being abused I cringe. I wasn’t that “typical” child so I slipped through the net undetected.
I didn’t trust men. This one is obvious I think!
It was my trust in God that was lost though mainly. I come from a Christian family and my parents were ministers, so why would God let this happen to me? God saw exactly what I went through. If He loved me, then surely He would have stopped it?
Who’s in control?
As I was going through my abuse, I could not see what the outcome was going to be. Would this ever end? What would happen to me? At times, I just wanted to die.
There had been a few times when I took things into my own hands and I took control of where my life was heading. Thankfully, God was still in control in those moments.
It’s only now, over 25 years later, can I see God was with me. He is still with me. The verse from Genesis completely makes sense to me now:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.Genesis 50:20
When I was younger, I didn’t know what it meant to trust God. It’s only as I have matured, both in age and spiritually, have I realised what putting my faith in God meant.
Over the years, I have grown to love Jeremiah 29:11. I have come to understand how much our God loves us. After all, what loving God would really want to see His children come to harm?
Something to think about…
The healing journey of a survivor can be a lonely one at times. I have learnt when I lean into the One who loves me, I am not on my own. When I look back to the hard times when I have felt alone, I can see God has been there. It’s only been after the trial can I see this.
Can you recollect any moments in your life where you can see God has been at work? Write them down in a journal. Next time you go through a challenging time, read through those moments and hold onto the fact that God is with you and He has a plan for you.
Prayer
God, there are times when I struggle to stand firm on your promises. Please provide me with the strength I need to get up each day and fight the battles I have. Amen.
