I think we all have seasons where we don’t understand what is happening. Something in our life is not going the right way, and no matter how much we pray, it just isn’t happening. We can be down on our knees begging God to show us what we are waiting for, or we can be throwing our fists in the air angry at why He has not provided answers.

I’ve been there.

I’m still there.

I get days when I feel I could conquer the world. It doesn’t matter how much I don’t know what is planned, whatever happens I just take it in my stride.

Most days though?

Outside I may look like I have it altogether, but inside…I struggle.

I have this desire burning deep inside of me which I wrestle with on a daily basis. It’s the desire that no matter what I fill my life with, I feel I am made for something more. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my life, my husband, my children and my home. This doesn’t stop me having the feeling there is something missing.

That something is me. 

Sue Monk Kidd puts it so aptly in her book ‘When the Heart Waits’ (page 6),

Much of my life I’d found my principle roles expressed mainly in the pages of someone else’s life. I was someone’s mother, someone’s wife, someone’s Sunday school teacher, someone’s employee. Wonderful things. But down deep, at soul level, who was I?

 

Who was I?

This is the question I have been asking myself and trying to find the answer out for over two years. Who am I meant to be, and what am I meant to do?

The waiting whilst I’ve been trying to find the answers to these questions have been hard at times. It still is hard. I’m no where near to finding out what I’m meant to do, but what I am learning is how I do the waiting.

I am so stubborn. Ask anyone who really knows me. I am headstrong and strong-willed. If you came along and gave me your advice on the best way to wait in the waiting, I would listen, but I would still do it the way that I knew best – my way!

However, I am also determined to find out what He wants with me. This means I need to yield to His will and not my own. This may also mean I need to listen to what other people tell me. I may not like what I am being advised, but if it is right, no matter how much kicking and screaming I do, God will instil it into my heart.

I’ve had a bit of a revelation over the last few weeks which has opened my eyes and pierced my heart. It’s not one which has happened lightly either. You’ve probably heard it before. I know I have, many times from different people, but like I said earlier, I am stubborn! But, God has persevered with me and has instilled it into my heart.

When we wait on God, how we wait is what defines us. What He does through us in our waiting is more important than what we are waiting for. We need to keep focused on the crux of what we believe in, even when it doesn’t quite work out how we expected it to.

When we wait on God, how we wait is what defines us. Click To Tweet What He does through us in our waiting is more important than what we are waiting for. Click To Tweet

There is one song that I am really resonating with at the moment, which is ‘What I Know’ by Tricia  Brock.

It’s been another day when it seems like faith eludes me
Everything’s been so confusing
Fear got the best of me
Now I’m lying here
Worried about tomorrow
‘Cause the weight of everything I don’t know
Is so heavy I can’t sleep

But the truth remains the same
Even when I don’t know what to pray

But what I know
Is You my God are real
No matter how I feel
You’ve never let me go
But what I know
Is there will never be a day
You aren’t just a breath away
And through it all I’ve gotta hold
To what I know

I could throw my fist in the air demanding answers
But in spite of all the questions
I’m still giving You my life
And if it doesn’t turn out like I think it should
It doesn’t change the fact You’re always good
Your ways are higher than mine

And the truth remains the same
Even when I don’t know what to pray

This is what I know…my God is real, and He will always hold onto me no matter what I feel.  I am holding onto this truth in the midst of my waiting.

Something to think about…

Are you going through a time where you are questioning who you are and what you are designed to do? I want to encourage you not to give up. I know it’s not easy, and I am far from figuring it out. You are not on your own though. God is with you in each moment you wait.

Open your eyes and open your heart and take some time to wait in His presence. You never know what He May touch you with…

…a beautiful butterfly brushing past you giving you new hope…

…the sweet smell of fresh flowers springing around signifying new life…

…the sound of the wind rustling in the trees showing you He is near…

Prayer

Lord, it is so hard holding onto what we believe in times where we don’t understand what is going on. Open our eyes to what you want us to see and pierce our hearts with your understanding. Help us to be attentive to what is around us so we don’t miss the signs you want to show us. Help us to understand your way is higher than our own, no matter how we feel. Amen.

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I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, and many other writers, for #TellHisStory