As we approach Easter, I reflect on what Jesus did for me on the cross. How He died, where He died, what He died for and what happened to His body afterwards causes me to look back on the moment where I stood by a graveside with the fate of someone’s forgiveness in my hands.
Is it possible to forgive someone when they have done wrong to you?
As we read through the Lord’s Prayer each week in church, we are reminded of what Jesus asks us to do when it comes to forgiving someone…
Forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
For years when I said the Lord’s prayer I stumbled across these two lines and I couldn’t say them. For years I was tormented with the fact that I knew Jesus had forgiven me for everything I had done wrong in my life, but I couldn’t forgive the person who changed my life in a way that was unimaginable.
Be that as it may, this all changed five years ago and last year I was able to share my story for the first time of how I forgave this person. I shared my story through a forgiveness series, which was led by Amy Boucher Pye called ‘Forgiveness Fridays‘. She sent out a call one day for people who wanted to share their stories of forgiveness, and I felt led to share mine.
There I was, standing in a spot where his grave might have been, and I’m griping tightly onto an A4 piece of paper. A piece of paper that held the truth of what actually happened to me during four years when I grew up too quickly.
Looking around, all I see is green grass with very few markings of where graves could be. I expected to see at least a head stone with his name etched into it…something that would make it real. But there was nothing. Only little numbered markers dotted around showing where each person is buried. With there being no grave stone or a recognisable grave, I assumed that he had no meaning to his life .
Standing there, I remember clearly back to when my mother told me that he had passed away. It was 21 years earlier, but I can remember it as though it was yesterday. It was four months after he was arrested. He hadn’t even reached the first hearing of his trial.
My memories of that day are vivid. I was so angry that he had “escaped” his prison sentence, and I felt betrayed because he was now “free”. I also remember feeling relieved. He was dead…and I was glad. I hoped that he had met God at the pearly gates of heaven and that he was sent straight to hell to rot in it.
I know, I know and I know. This sounds very unchristian. I am fully aware of that. However, this was how I felt towards the man who had sexually abused me for four years. After all, he took away my childhood.
I wanted him to suffer so much for the pain and hurt that he caused me. I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt…Not just in those four years, but the years afterwards that I had to endure as I tried to come to terms with what I went through.
When I stood at the graveside with my mum on one side and my husband on the other, I held on to that piece of paper as though it was part of me. This piece of paper held all the truth of every single detail that he did to me.
Every. Single. Detail.
You see, when I was 11 I was too scared and too ashamed to voice what truly happened to me. No-one EVER got the full truth, and that truth had been inside me for 21 years. At the graveside, I finally let it all out…And then I burnt it. In that moment, the spirit of condemnation left my body and I was free.
Four years later, I look back and I question myself if I have still forgiven my abuser – just in case my time at the grave was a passing moment. The honest answer is yes! I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, but I wouldn’t change what I went through either. I no longer feel shame over what I had endured and I can honestly say, with my hand on my heart, that I have no regrets about my past.
I am proud of who I am today.
Forgiving my abuser did not mean what he did to me was right. It also does not mean that I would get my childhood back. Forgiving him meant that I could move forward with my life. I have learnt that unforgiveness keeps us locked in to anger, resentment, bitterness and hurt. It keeps us apart from Jesus.
I didn’t get to the point of forgiveness lightly and reaching it wasn’t one of these “aha” moments when something clicked into place. Rather, it took me 21 years that lead to the moment at his grave, of sorting through a mountain of emotional mess, through counselling and reading various books, to reach the point where I wanted to be free from the chains of unforgiveness. I no longer wanted to carry the burden of someone else’s sin.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32
I believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to move forward, but it can only be done when you are ready to do so. No-one should be forced to forgive someone else if they are not ready. It doesn’t matter how long it takes either…2 years or 21 years…but when it happens?
Forgiveness is freeing.
I believe that forgiveness is necessary in order to move forward, but it can only be done when you are ready to do so. Click To Tweet
Something to think about…
Is there someone in your life that has hurt you in some way?
Are you struggling to come to terms with what they have done to you?
It may be something that you have never shared with anyone before. I want to encourage you to write it down on a piece of paper. I have often found healing when I have written out the truth in black and white.
Once you have written down what has happened, you can do what you want with it. You can either keep hold of it and put it somewhere safe, or when you are ready you can burn those wrongs away and let it set you free. Whatever you decide to do, know that the Lord is by your side.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;”Proverbs 3:5-7
Prayer
Lord, it is so hard sometimes to forgive. We know that we should, but when someone has hurt us so deeply, it cuts into our souls and creates wounds that are hard to heal. Help us to open our eyes to what is around us so that it may encourage us to draw closer to a better understanding of the betrayal that has happened to us.
Sometimes we may never understand why we experience painful situations. In these moments, give us the strength we need to rise above those that hurt, so that we may in turn not hurt others. Help us to love those that are broken and hurt, in the same way we would like to be loved ourselves. Amen.
I’m linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee, and many other writers, for #TellHisStory
This is so me i too forgave someone 5 yreas ago it it as you say freeing i fought for a long time to find forgiveness but realised i was hurting my self not the person i feel free thank you for this blog so helpful bless you xxx
Irene, this was so lovely to hear. We can only forgive someone when we feel ready to do so and once we have worked through all the hurting. I don’t think it matters how long it takes, it’s the process that matters and what our heart is like. I’m pleased this resonated with you Irene…bless you too. 💕
Hi Lynne. I have just come across your website this morning and read a few posts. This post in particular struck me because I think you have expressed what forgiveness is so eloquently. On my healing journey from childhood abuse I have read in many places of the requirement of forgiveness, and in particular, I have experienced Christians and church leadership telling me that I ‘need’ to forgive in order to heal. I believe that forgiveness is something that is as you say, done in one’s own time. For me, I found that forgiving my abuser was a long process, but one that still to this day I ask myself if I truly have done. But I am also trying to sit with those feelings of anger that creep up on me, because I have been told by many Christians that anger is wrong. But I believe that as the Bible says, to be angry and do not sin is okay. I feel that I have to work through those feelings. But forgiveness I believe is taking the decision (which as a trauma survivor is empowering) that I will not let bitterness, anger, and resentment have a negative hold over me. It does not deny or excuse what I was put through as a child.
I needed to read this post today because I struggle with forgiving myself. I struggle to forgive myself for things I have thought, done, and said. As trauma survivors, we tend to struggle to be kind to ourselves and see ourselves the way that we should see ourselves (and as God sees us), but I am struggling to forgive myself. My faith was pretty much destroyed 4 years ago and I am trying to move forward from the grief and trauma of a major family event, but also to rebuild my relationship with God.
This post has given me some things to think about. Thank you.
Hi Paul. First of all, thank you for sharing so deeply and vulnerably. I can’t say I have all the answers, but for me, one answer is never to force someone to forgive another person. I feel it belittles what the survivor has been through and gaslights them in a way. A survivor needs to feel empowered after what they have been through and the forgiveness process is one of those ways. I am still in my healing journey and often have to revisit whether I forgive my abuser. Every time a new part of my healing emerges, so do the feelings of anger, sadness, etc.
We struggle to be kind to ourselves because we were conditioned to be the way we were. Getting out of those negative views of ourselves is really hard. I battle with this every day. The fact that you say you want to build your relationship back with God is encouraging. Cling on to that thought. I will tell you what people tell me…God is clinging onto you much more tighter than what you feel. He is waiting to have that intimate relationship with you. He also knows how you feel and that it will take time. God won’t force you into feeling and thinking and doing, unlike your abuser. And that’s because He is a gentle God. Take extra care of yourself and thank you for letting me know how much my post has resonated with you. It really encourages me to keep moving forward.