I have been working through a mentoring course this year, which is run by Jo Naughton. It is designed to find out what God’s purposes are for us, to grow in our gifts and to develop a character that would help us to carry out our calling. Each week we focus on a certain aspect to help towards this.
I can honestly say that this has helped me tremendously in being able to move forward in what I feel God is calling me to do. I have noticed a big change as I have been working through some hard topics. As a result, it is a change that has been a massive step forward in my faith and my healing.
We live in a mixed up world where light and darkness exists at the same time. All around us we have both good and bad things going on. Picture the homeless man sitting on the sidewalk because he was evicted from his home. This coexists with a stranger offering him some food as he walks by him. The darkness alongside the light.
God wants to use us so much. He wants us to be a light so we will shine into the darkness of people’s lives. He wants us to be like a city on a hill for all to see.
But what happens if we feel we are not bright enough to shine because we have hidden dark areas in our own life?
For a while I use to think I was unfit to represent a light from God. I always thought I had to be perfect. After all, who wants to receive hope from someone who doesn’t have all their shit together?
I use to look at other people in ministry and see how perfect and together they were. I thought I had to be like them in order to minister to other people. It felt like I came up short compared to everyone else.
It’s taken me a while, but I have realised that I don’t need to be perfect to show others what the light can look like in the darkness. God isn’t calling us to have all our shit figured out before we can serve Him. The people in this world are not daft. They can see when Christianity looks fake and they won’t want any part of it.
What the people of the world needs to see when they are in their deepest, darkest places are people who show courageous vulnerability. They need people who are honest with what they show in their lives. When the world sees this, they see the light of God within us.
So, here I am, with the rough edges I have and the darkness I carry. I’m ready to be the city on a hill for all to see.
Suggested listening
City on a Hill by Nick & Becky Drake
This post was written for the Five Minute Friday Community. A number of writers gather for a weekly writing challenge around a single word prompt and write to our hearts content, but only for five minutes (or there abouts).
This weeks word prompt is ‘city’. Click here if you want to see what other people wrote. You can also have a go yourself. What do you think of when you hear the word ‘city ’?
Growing up, something felt missing. That feeling lasted throughout my childhood and well into my teens. It was that deep connection we want with other people. For me, it seemed that everywhere I turned I experienced some form of rejection. As I got older, finding a connection became harder. I was desperate to be loved.
As well as the sexual abuse I suffered, which I wrote about in my previous post, I also experienced bullying throughout the majority of my school life. It didn’t matter what I did, I didn’t seem to fit in. It was almost like my “friends” new the dark secret I was keeping. They thought I was unclean and they didn’t want anything to do with me.
I felt like I had no where to turn. I was so desperate to make friends. Even within the church I felt like an outsider. Well, who wants to be friends with the pastors kid?
I was so desperate to be loved.
Maybe that’s why I ended up experiencing this warped version of love when I was being abused. This then carried on into my teens with the countless boyfriends I had. With what I had been through, I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t know love could be something enjoyable.
I wish I knew back then what I know now. I didn’t need to be so desperate for someone to love me. Guess what? I am already loved. Just as I am. I don’t need to do anything else extra.
There is nothing in our past, in our present, or even in our future, that can keep us from the love which God has for us.
This post was written for the Five Minute Friday Community. A number of writers gather for a weekly writing challenge around a single word prompt and write to our hearts content, but only for five minutes (or there abouts).
This weeks word prompt is ‘desperate’. Click here if you want to see what other people wrote. You can also have a go yourself. What do you think of when you hear the word ‘desperate ’?
There is a subject that is rarely spoken about. It affects so many people in numerous ways, especially in churches. Don’t we deserve to be free from what holds us down? Then why avoid tackling a subject that holds so many people in chains? As a church, God calls us to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free.
“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners.” Isaiah 61:1
Personally, I feel God is calling me to take a stand against this “taboo” word.
What am I referring to?
Well, if you haven’t read any of my posts before, then this may come as a shock. (I touched on the subject in my previous post). I am taking a stand for those who have been sexually abused. Especially for those who suffered when they were children, just as I was.
Far too many people feel ashamed when they suffer abuse and stay silent. Why should they? It wasn’t their fault. So, I have decided to step up, stand up and speak out and be a voice for those who feel they don’t have a voice.
I choose to stand for justice for all those who have suffered sexual abuse. Not necessarily justice in the way of bringing the perpetrators to justice, although that would always be a better outcome. It’s also justice for survivors and the way we are treated in every day life. Whether in church or in hospitals or in our work setting. By doctors, nurses, pastors or our boss. The list is endless.
Why is this important?
When we release the experiences of what we have been through in our lives, it is crucial to our healing to be treated and responded to in the right way. My experiences I have had over the years when I have shared about my past have varied quite a lot. I have found very few people really know how to react or treat a survivor of sexual abuse. People have either ignored, laughed at, or played down my experiences. People feel awkward and just don’t know what to say.
My experiences I had this last week with an endoscopy procedure is a classic example of what victims and survivors of abuse face on a daily basis. I wrote a thread on Twitter about what I went through and asked a few questions to see if I was alone in the way I felt. The sad thing was, I wasn’t.
Here’s my story…
The nurse asked me before my procedure if there were any questions. The endoscopy made me feel anxious. I shared with the nurse why I was anxious and mentioned I was sexually abused as a child. It took me a lot of courage to mention it to her. During the procedure I really struggled and started to panic. Afterwards, I asked the nurse if she had said anything to anyone. Her reply? She felt no need to.
What?? She felt no need to?
This left me feeling invalidated. How could you not feel the need to? The whole idea of me mentioning my sexual abuse was to feel reassured – especially if I panicked. I felt totally the opposite.
By God’s strength I managed to pluck up the courage to speak to a senior nurse. I expected to be sidelined and passed off with some excuse. What happened next had me in tears. She listened. She actually listened. Every word I spoke she took in and was so reassuring. And then she apologised. It was not her doing, but she apologised.
This is what should of happened in the first place. The system needs to change. People need to change. Anyone in a position where they tend to people’s wellbeing needs to know how to deal with trauma.
Far too many people have suffered when they experience sexual abuse. We shouldn’t need to carry on suffering afterwards. This is why I stand for justice for sexual abuse survivors.
I am taking part this week in the Five Minute Friday word prompt. This is where a single word is given and you write whatever comes into your head about this word. Sometimes nothing comes into my head, so I don’t always take part. Other times I might think of something, but never get 5 minutes to write. When I do write, however, it is because I have something on my heart which I would like to share.
This weeks word prompt is one of those moments where I felt prompted to share with you. The word prompt for this week is ‘lift’. (Read here to see what other people wrote). In a nutshell, when I think of the word lift, I think of how we can bring hope to other people. This is my rambling thought for this week…
Lift – Five Minute Friday Word Prompt
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
I share content that may trigger some memories for you. If that is the case, then please seek some help if necessary, and be kind to yourself.
As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, every day I make the decision to heal from the impact of the abuse I suffered. Some days are easier than others and I can process some of the shit that goes around in my head. Other days I just choose not to deal with it. Sometimes it is easier to “box and shelve” it rather than open it up and make a mess everywhere. Then there are the days when everything spills everywhere anyway and I end up in a mess.
Either way, I wake up each morning facing the same decision to make…do I want to heal? And my answer is always yes! Why? Because I want to be able to lift other people up and bring hope to those who have been through similar experiences. I want to be a voice for those who do not have a voice. I want to show to others that it is possible to live after suffering something so traumatic.
“Bless the world with your mind, heal the world with your heart, lift the world with your soul; elevate the world with your life.”
Matshona Dhliwayo
It’s not been easy
This healing journey I’ve been on has been a challenge. Some days have been so dark it’s been hard to see the light. I’ve often wondered if all this is worth it, fighting for what is right. But when I look at my children, I realise it is. I would never want them to experience what I experienced as a child growing up. No child should experience abuse, in whatever form.
If speaking out helps a child to say stop, or lifts up an adult to see hope, then it is totally worth going through the pain of healing. I couldn’t have gotten through this healing process though if it wasn’t for my faith, and also the unwavering support of my husband lifting me up. Without these, I wouldn’t have had the grace, strength and perseverance to continue.
