I have been working through a mentoring course this year, which is run by Jo Naughton. It is designed to find out what God’s purposes are for us, to grow in our gifts and to develop a character that would help us to carry out our calling. Each week we focus on a certain aspect to help towards this.
I can honestly say that this has helped me tremendously in being able to move forward in what I feel God is calling me to do. I have noticed a big change as I have been working through some hard topics. As a result, it is a change that has been a massive step forward in my faith and my healing.
I often wonder why God loves me. What do I need to do to earn His love? Is He really loving me for who I am?
God doesn’t love us because of the service we are doing for Him. It’s nothing to do with how many people we win for Him. It’s not even because we are super confident with praying or whether we spend hours in the Bible each day.
God loves us because he just does! No questions asked. He always has and always will. For us to taste his love and experience it we need to be in a relationship with him.
Does God love me for who I am?
As I have been reading through the Bible verses which describe God’s love, I have been questioning whether the verses could be applied to myself. Have you felt the same too?
We have our faith in Jesus Christ because He died on the cross for us. That’s a pretty major thing for God to do for little old us. Think about it, God sent His One and only Son into our world to die for us.
He died for me.
He died for you.
Something to think about…
Because of this amazing act of selfless love, we can say we are accepted for who we are. God didn’t say to us “you must change before I let my Son die”. No! He sent Him to die just as we were. If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is. Think about it.
Prayer
Lord, we get days where we forget who we are in you. We forget just exactly how much you love us. Help us to remember what sacrifice you gave up for us. Amen.
This was written for the Five Minute Friday Community, where a number of writers gather for a weekly writing challenge around a single word prompt and write to our hearts content, but only for five minutes (or there about! I have marked where my five minutes stopped).
This weeks word prompt is ‘name’. Click here if you want to see what other people wrote. You can also have a go yourself. What do you think of when you hear the word ‘name’?
When I was growing up through school I was an easy target. With moving around a lot, I was always the new girl in class and I had very little self confidence. As a result, I was the class victim for everyone’s amusement. The problem though was I didn’t find it very funny.
When we look at our lives and consider what we have been through, we often wonder if we are able to offer anything of worth. Would God really take my shame and use it for His name?
“Wow! You’ve just had twins? You look absolutely amazing!”
This is the comment I often get when I am out and about. It doesn’t matter where I am or who I speak to, everyone says the same thing. Even strangers walking by me in the street. Believe me, when you are pushing twins around in a buggy you very rarely get from A to B without being stopped along the way.
If complete strangers can see how amazing I look, then why can’t I?
On the surface I smile to people and acknowledge what they say, but underneath I cringe and wonder what on earth they see. Do they not see how tired I look? Do they not notice the “curves” on my hips? Can they not see how fat my tummy is?
I’ve never really been one to look at myself in the mirror and think I look beautiful. I would go as far to say that I struggle to think I look ok. Even more so since having my c-section. It’s been difficult to look in the mirror and to be happy with what I see looking back at me.
I see a scar that runs so deep it hurts.It reminds me constantly of how my body lost the battle to deliver my babies.
I failed.
This is the machine that monitors the mother and baby whilst in labour. I could never get over seeing two heart beats being monitored. It’s such a blessing.
I never planned to have a c-section. I was totally against it. Doctors had informed me I should prepare myself for having one. Not only because I was carrying twins, but because I had already previously had a c-section.
I had an emergency c-section before with my first born, so I know what the recovery is like. I certainly didn’t want to go through that again, especially now as I have three other children. But I was so adamant and stubborn. I never entertained the idea a c-section was on the cards, so I never planned for that outcome.
Pain is an understatement.
Before I went into surgery the doctor asked me if anyone had described what having c-section was like. When I shook my head he began to describe what they would do. He said I wouldn’t feel any pain and the feeling I would have whilst they were inside me would be like a washing machine or a tumble dryer going round.
I wasn’t sure what he meant by this, but when they started to pull the babies out and clean up inside me I knew what he meant. I didn’t feel like I was drying clothes though. It felt like I had numerous pairs of shoes tumbling around inside me, kicking me at every turn.
Once the medication had worn off, the pain hits you like walking into a brick wall. It wasn’t just the pain from the scar either. The rummaging around the doctors did inside me left me feeling like I had been used for a punchbag.
When I see my babies sleeping like this, I forget about everything I went through and thank God for the little miracles I birthed.
Moving around felt like an epic marathon and turning over in bed felt like I was taking part in some assault course. It never felt like this when I had a c-section with one child. Having two children being pulled out of me meant I had my insides all rearranged. My rib cage was left feeling like I was being used as the percussion section in a big symphony orchestra.
No one ever explains how painful this was going to feel afterwards. I saw numerous people in hospital having elective c-sections and getting up afterwards like nothing had happened. Why couldn’t I be like that? I felt so helpless. Having a c-section with one child is no comparison to having two children being ripped out of your womb.
When people comment on how well I look, why can’t they see what I see?
Maybe it’s me.
Maybe it’s I that can’t see what they see.
Having an emergency c-section meant that I did not mentally, physically and emotionally prepare myself for what was about to happen.
I had this idealistic view of how the birth was going to happen and I was disappointed when reality set in and it didn’t go my way.
This is what I need to remember…
~My body may not look perfect now, but my babies are perfect. My body will get there in its own time.
~I may have a scar, but it does prove I brought life into this world. I know there are many people who are not able to even experience giving birth. For this I will be forever grateful.
~My body may have failed to give birth naturally, but it survived an ordeal of an operation.
~I survived!
~God made me. He made ALL of me, right down to the intricate details and inner parts of my body. He designed me with much love and care and knew exactly what my body could handle. It says so in Psalm 139.
I hope this post helps someone in some way to give some insight in what feelings may be expected after having an unplanned c-section. My experience may not be the same as the next person, nor will it mean this is what is meant to happen. I wanted to share some of what I went through and what I was feeling in case there may be one other person out there looking for some reassurance.
If what I have written has resonated with you, please feel free to let me know. More importantly, please consider taking some time to talk to some one about your feelings, either a loved one, a friend, or a healthcare professional. It’s important to acknowledge what you are feeling and to receive help when necessary to deal with any issues or feelings which may arise.
Remember, you are not alone. You are deeply loved and wonderfully made.
