Tag Archives: loving myself

Faith, Midst, Motherhood

In the Midst of Motherhood

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I have already mentioned in a previous post that I haven’t made any New Years resolutions this year. I don’t see the point as it’s just too much pressure to try and keep one. Especially when you’re the parent of small children, right?

Instead, I’m focusing on one word (midst) which I hope will keep me centred throughout the year. This is the first post that I am writing, which focuses on this word, and I hope to write one each month for the rest of the year.

I, of all people, should be thankful for my children. It took me 5 years to conceive to have my first, and she was nothing short of a miracle when she came into this world. But do you know what? This parenting lark is hard. Oh my word! Hard is an understatement.

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Faith, Five Minute Friday

We Were Intentionally Made

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For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:13-16

Our God is an intentional God. When He does things, it’s not by accident.  He intends to do them. This also applies to ourselves. I was not made by accident. I was not some random passing thought. God intentionally created me. He intentionally created you too.

I know what you might be thinking (coz I think this too sometimes)…

Hang on a minute. Me? He intended to create me? God created me on purpose?

Yes! You are not by accident.

I find this hard to grasp at times depending on what I am feeling and what situations I go through. On a good day I’ll accept He fearfully and wonderfully made me just the way I am. He will use me just as He intended to further the works for His Kingdom.

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Faith, Five Minute Friday

How much is enough?

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You are reading a Five Minute Friday word prompt. This is hosted by Kate Motaung and is where a group of people write about a given word for that week. This week the word is “enough”. // marks what I wrote in 5 minutes.

//I am what I am. What you see is what you get. This is my “northern way” and what I often tell people. Usually it’s because I don’t want them to judge me for anything with what they see in front of them.

I want to look tough on the outside and like nothing bothers me. But deep down I am thinking “am I enough? Is what you see in front of you enough?” I put on an act as though I am enough, and that I wouldn’t care less if you didn’t think I was.

But deep down I am scared to show you the real me. Because I am scared that the real me is not enough. The real me that is sensitive deep down and that I cling on to what other people say because it matters to me. The real me that is exhausted with looking for people’s approval just so that I feel enough.//

Isaiah 43:4
“Since you’re precious in my sight and honored, and because I love you, I’m giving up people in your place, and nations in exchange for your life.”

Do you know what I try and cling onto though, as a Christian? (Notice I said try…because I often fail at this!) Because of Jesus and what He has done for me…

I. Am. Enough.

When I ask God if He loves me and how much He loves me, I am always reminded of this answer that was penned by someone else…

I asked Jesus, ‘How much do you love me?’ And Jesus said, ‘This much.’ Then He stretched out His arms and died.  Unknown

I pray for each and every person reading this, as we approach Easter, that we remember the reason why we are enough.

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Faith

Who is in control?

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When someone offers to help you, what do you do? Do you…

a) Say thank you, but no thank you. I am perfectly capable of doing this all on my own. I mean seriously, do you think I can’t do this or something?

b) Say thank you, but then moan about the support you get because it’s not how you would have done it.

c) Say thank you, but then feel so worthless because you couldn’t do it yourself in the first place.

How would I answer?

Honestly?

Probably all three.

I have to be in control. Why? Because I need to know what happens…how it happens…and when it happens. I need to plan in my mind every eventuality that would take place in every situation. I don’t like not knowing what is going to happen…or not happen as the case may be.

Maybe this stems from my childhood…not knowing when my abuser was going to turn up and what “game” he would play next. Or, not knowing what I was going to face the next day at school with my “friends” in the playground. Or, not knowing if what I had achieved was ever going to be good enough.

For me, there are so many different aspects as to why I have to be in control.

Control is about self worth in one aspect.  I feel weak if I let people help me. And if they do help me, I don’t feel worthy of receiving the help (this is the part where I don’t like myself so much…so why should God love me…and therefore why should I let Him help me). Letting other people help will also show my inadequacies and that actually I’m probably pretty rubbish at what I do.

This is what the Bible says though…

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I am trying hard to hold on to this  I’m not perfect though, which leads me on to the next aspect of why I have to be in control…

Control is about doing something well and doing it perfectly. As a perfectionist, giving control over to someone else who does things differently to me is not the idea of being perfect. I have such a hold up about the way people do things. It is not how I would do it. Does this make it wrong though? In reality? No, it doesn’t

Also, if I let someone else take control, they will either get it wrong, let me down or create more stress for me. Or will they?

How someone else does something may not be how I do it, but ultimately we both end up in the same place, but we just took a different route to each other. Does it really matter how we got there?

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As for letting God take control, well, that’s a completely different thing altogether. Not knowing what His plans are is the hardest bit, and trusting Him with my life? Well, that’s a whole new ball game altogether! Trust and faith play a key role in letting Him do His stuff, and when you’ve had a past like mine, it’s hard to let go.

But, I think the main thing is that I am trying.

 

Happiness

Taking The Happiness Dare

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Last week, I opened myself up a bit and revealed a part of me that I was scared to show. My insecurities. My lack of love…for myself. My hardness. Not to those around me, but being too hard on myself. I went to a talk last week that was given by Jo Naughton. I didn’t know what to expect and I was scared of going. Why? I was scared that God might actually meet me there and do something. Secretly, part of me was hoping that He would.

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I was sitting there, listening intently, hoping for a song that would speak to me, or a word that would pierce my heart. I wasn’t sure what I felt really. Part of me was a little angry. I could feel myself holding back. I wanted this big revelation that everything was going to be ok, and that my life would start to have a meaning. Everything that I had been through in my life would all be worth it. When it came to the point of coming to the front to ‘hand things over to God’ (so to say), about 95% of the women went forward. Me included. I knelt there, still hoping that God would touch me. I could feel this surge inside me. It wasn’t a feeling from being touched by God, but it was a sense of anger. Why was I not feeling anything? Why do I feel empty? Why did I not get this thunderbolt-lightening-revelation from God? People were crying tears of relief, tears of happiness and tears of sadness around me. Me? Nothing.

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I then asked a friend to pray for me. It was hard for me to convey to her what I was feeling, but she got the picture. Whilst she was praying, she had this vision of me standing in front of a big chest of clothing. I was trying on each item of clothing. Each one so beautiful, but not one of them looked right on me. I wasn’t happy with whatever I tried on. She revealed to me that God loves me for who I am and not what I wanted to try to be. I just need to be happy with that revelation. I need to be happy with who I am and the moment that I am in.

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What is happiness though? How do I get to be happy? How do I accept myself and be happy with who I am? Will my life start to mean something if I find this “happiness”? Well, I hope so! To help me find this happiness, I’ve done something a little bit daring. I have challenged myself to find this true happiness, and I am doing this with the help of someone. Jennifer Dukes Lee and her amazing book called The Happiness Dare. To say that I am scared is a bit of an understatement. Trying to break out of a cycle of where you are so use to feeling something is so hard. But, I owe this to myself, and to my family to do this.

Happiness Dare

Over the next few weeks and months, I will be involved with a team of people working through this book and being part of a launch team. (The book is not out yet, but it will be soon…2nd August to be more precise! You can pre-order it here though). As well as helping to launch the book, I am also hoping that this will be the answer I need to all my earlier questions. I mean, if this REALLY does do what it says, and you see this really transform me, then I am going to be living proof that you HAVE to get this book. So, I guess I’m going to be writing a lot about my journey through #thehappinessdare and mentioning the book a whole heap!