Do you ever feel like sometimes you are losing control?
Do you hate to admit, maybe, that you don’t always have it altogether?
Do you feel, in a way, that asking for help is a sign of weakness?
I have…and I do!
It gives me great pleasure to share with you today a guest post by my friend, Jennifer Dukes Lee, on exactly this matter. Jennifer has written a new book entitled “It’s All Under Control” and it releases on September 18. I have had the privilege of reading an advanced copy, and I can assure you that if you struggle with control and asking for help, then you need this book! You won’t be disappointed.
The Hardest Three Words You May Ever Say (But, wow, are they worth it!)
By Jennifer Dukes Lee
“I need help.”
These may be the hardest three words to say. At one time or another, all people require the assistance of other people, but we often don’t ask for it until we absolutely have no choice.
Self-reliant, “in-control” people in particular, are not good askers. Why don’t we ask for help even when we need it? Like pretty much everything else about us, it’s complicated. Here are a few reasons we avoid asking for help.
1. We would rather be the helper than the helped. A shift in that relationship leaves us feeling uncomfortable, and if we’re honest, powerless. Oddly, the more we need help, the harder it might be to ask because the perceived power shift becomes even greater.
2. Collaboration sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. Yes, we probably need help. But we feel like we can get it done better and faster if we do it solo. Most of us still have nightmares about leading group projects in high school and having to do most of the work ourselves anyway.
3. We are afraid of being told no. After finally getting up the nerve to ask, we aren’t sure we could face that kind of rejection.
4. We have never liked feeling needy, weak, or incompetent.
5. Asking for help is a form of surrendering control.
If any of this describes you, be compassionate toward yourself. You might be relieved to know that you are, in fact, normal. People are skewed toward wanting to do it themselves. Walk through the doors of any bookstore and head straight to the self-help section for proof.
Asking for help requires a stripped-down vulnerability. When we ask for help, we are moving closer to an intimacy with people that feels a little dangerous. The people who come to our aid suddenly see a side of us that few get to see—the tear-streamed face, the Doritos-sprinkled kitchen floor, the hospital gown open in the back, our inability to accomplish even small tasks under stress.
It’s awkward enough to ask a stranger for a quarter to fill a parking meter. How can I ask someone to help me with my kids when it seems like every other mom has no problem keeping up with the spelling lists and healthy snacks? How can I ask someone to help on a work project when it was my own fault that I said yes? And what kind of shame will I bring upon myself when I admit to the boss that I simply can’t do it this time?
Self-disclosure triggers a fundamental fear inside of people. If we let onlookers get too close to our truest self, they will have front-row seats to our inner wreckage. Confronted with our flawed selves, will they leave us without even a moment’s notice, embarrassed by who we’ve become? Furthermore, if we get that close to God, where we acknowledge our need of him, will we end up bitter toward him if he disappoints us? What if we can’t tolerate the times when he wrecks our flawed plans and replaces them with his?
Asking for help requires a heart-unzipped intimacy with God, who saw your need in the first place. He was waiting for you to ask. He was waiting for you to scoop up all the broken pieces of your life, lift them up to his face, and say, “Here, can you help me with this?”
God’s great promise over our lives is this: “It’s all under control.” One of the ways that God proves his promise true is by dispatching modern-day disciples. Other humans, flawed as they are, are often the means through which God will come to your aid.
I don’t know where you’re at today, friend. Do you need help? I suspect you do. Maybe you’re scared to ask. Maybe you’re worried the words will make you look weak. Maybe you don’t want to be somebody’s burden.
Dare to say the words: “I need help.”
These are the words that have saved marriages, sent addicts to treatment, ushered teens through the counsellor’s doorway, and been the catalyst for a trillion prayers of all sizes. Those three words save lives and bring people to Jesus every day. Shoot, maybe your struggle is standard-issue busyness and you need someone to do your laundry this week. Ask for it.
You are not a burden. You are a person.
I know what you’re thinking because I’ve been there, and yes, all of the following statements hold true: When people help you, they might not do it the way you wanted to. They might not do it as well as you would have. They might see your scrawny backside through that gap in your hospital gown. You might have to contend with that uncomfortable feeling of indebtedness. Your “helpers” might mess things up a bit.
To follow Christ has always meant helping and serving others. But it’s also humbling ourselves enough to allow others to be Christ to us, which happens in that moment when we allow ourselves to be helped.
When you say “I need help,” you’re not uttering feeble words. They may be the strongest, bravest words you ever say. You simply can’t do it all.
The truth is, you are now strong enough to admit that you can’t face your problems on your own. Look, not a single soul on earth is ever so strong that she doesn’t need someone to help. You are a wise woman, and you are smart enough to know you need some relief. You’ve known you’ve needed help for a while now, haven’t you? You just need to be courageous enough to ask for it.
About the Author
Jennifer Dukes Lee is the wife of an Iowa farmer, mom to two girls, and an author. She loves queso and singing too loudly to songs with great harmony. Once upon a time, she didn’t believe in Jesus. Now, He’s her CEO.
Jennifer’s newest book, It’s All Under Control, and a companion Bible study, are releasing on 18th September! This is a book for every woman who is hanging on tight and trying to get each day right―yet finding that life often feels out of control and chaotic.
Adapted from It’s All under Control: A Journey of Letting Go, Hanging On, and Finding a Peace You Almost Forgot Was Possible by Jennifer Dukes Lee, releasing this fall from Tyndale House Publishers.
Book Giveaway!
I’m so excited to be a part of a huge giveaway to celebrate the release of It’s All Under Control. Jennifer and her publisher, Tyndale, are giving away 50 copies of the book (only available to people in the US) in celebration of its release! Enter below to win. Giveaway ends September 30. Winners will be notified by Tyndale House Publishers. Email subscribers can click here to enter.
It’s All Under Control 50 Book Giveaway
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