On day 5 I touched on the subject of feeling unworthy. I felt God’s love was out of my reach because I was not worthy enough. Jesus wants me to believe I am worthy and loved beyond measure. If the birds in the air are loved and provided for, then there should be no doubt that I am worthy too.
Another major obstacle I have which hinders me from accepting God’s love is trust. I think this is quite obvious on many levels.
Why Trusting is Hard
- My abuser was a childminder. If you are a parent, at some point in your life you will put your trust in a childminder to look after your children well. My abuser had a completely different idea of how to keep me safe and he completely abused his power.
- I lost trust in my parents. After all, they left me with the person who abused me for nearly 5 years. Granted, they didn’t know, so it wasn’t really their fault. But still, every time he came around and they left it was like they were allowing it. It took me a while to realise and come to terms with the fact they weren’t to blame.
- I lost trust in myself. I couldn’t stop what was happening and I didn’t speak up. How could I have let it carry on?
- I lost trust in the education system. Every time I hear or see the description of what to look for in a child being abused I cringe. I wasn’t that “typical” child so I slipped through the net undetected.
- I didn’t trust men. This one is obvious I think!
- It was my trust in God that was lost though mainly. I come from a Christian family and my parents were ministers, so why would God let this happen to me? God saw exactly what I went through. If He loved me, then surely He would have stopped it?
Who’s in control?
As I was going through my abuse, I could not see what the outcome was going to be. Would this ever end? What would happen to me? At times, I just wanted to die.
There had been a few times when I took things into my own hands and I took control of where my life was heading. Thankfully, God was still in control in those moments.
It’s only now, over 25 years later, can I see God was with me. He is still with me. The verse from Genesis completely makes sense to me now:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20
When I was younger, I didn’t know what it meant to trust God. It’s only as I have matured, both in age and spiritually, have I realised what putting my faith in God meant.
Over the years, I have grown to love Jeremiah 29:11. I have come to understand how much our God loves us. After all, what loving God would really want to see His children come to harm?
Something to think about…
The healing journey of a survivor can be a lonely one at times. I have learnt when I lean into the One who loves me, I am not on my own. When I look back to the hard times when I have felt alone, I can see God has been there. It’s only been after the trial can I see this.
Can you recollect any moments in your life where you can see God has been at work? Write them down in a journal. Next time you go through a challenging time, read through those moments and hold onto the fact that God is with you and He has a plan for you.
Prayer
God, there are times when I struggle to stand firm on your promises. Please provide me with the strength I need to get up each day and fight the battles I have. Amen.
The current season of waiting I am in has had me contemplating. I have been thinking about the people I have in my life. This season has taught me a lot about who I have around me. Especially, in times when I have needed a friend. People who I thought would be by my side through this season have faded away. 
