“Wow! You’ve just had twins? You look absolutely amazing!”
This is the comment I often get when I am out and about. It doesn’t matter where I am or who I speak to, everyone says the same thing. Even strangers walking by me in the street. Believe me, when you are pushing twins around in a buggy you very rarely get from A to B without being stopped along the way.
If complete strangers can see how amazing I look, then why can’t I?
On the surface I smile to people and acknowledge what they say, but underneath I cringe and wonder what on earth they see. Do they not see how tired I look? Do they not notice the “curves” on my hips? Can they not see how fat my tummy is?
I’ve never really been one to look at myself in the mirror and think I look beautiful. I would go as far to say that I struggle to think I look ok. Even more so since having my c-section. It’s been difficult to look in the mirror and to be happy with what I see looking back at me.
I see a scar that runs so deep it hurts. It reminds me constantly of how my body lost the battle to deliver my babies.
I failed.
I never planned to have a c-section. I was totally against it. Doctors had informed me I should prepare myself for having one. Not only because I was carrying twins, but because I had already previously had a c-section.
I had an emergency c-section before with my first born, so I know what the recovery is like. I certainly didn’t want to go through that again, especially now as I have three other children. But I was so adamant and stubborn. I never entertained the idea a c-section was on the cards, so I never planned for that outcome.
Pain is an understatement.
Before I went into surgery the doctor asked me if anyone had described what having c-section was like. When I shook my head he began to describe what they would do. He said I wouldn’t feel any pain and the feeling I would have whilst they were inside me would be like a washing machine or a tumble dryer going round.
I wasn’t sure what he meant by this, but when they started to pull the babies out and clean up inside me I knew what he meant. I didn’t feel like I was drying clothes though. It felt like I had numerous pairs of shoes tumbling around inside me, kicking me at every turn.
Once the medication had worn off, the pain hits you like walking into a brick wall. It wasn’t just the pain from the scar either. The rummaging around the doctors did inside me left me feeling like I had been used for a punchbag.
Moving around felt like an epic marathon and turning over in bed felt like I was taking part in some assault course. It never felt like this when I had a c-section with one child. Having two children being pulled out of me meant I had my insides all rearranged. My rib cage was left feeling like I was being used as the percussion section in a big symphony orchestra.
No one ever explains how painful this was going to feel afterwards. I saw numerous people in hospital having elective c-sections and getting up afterwards like nothing had happened. Why couldn’t I be like that? I felt so helpless. Having a c-section with one child is no comparison to having two children being ripped out of your womb.
When people comment on how well I look, why can’t they see what I see?
Maybe it’s me.
Maybe it’s I that can’t see what they see.
Having an emergency c-section meant that I did not mentally, physically and emotionally prepare myself for what was about to happen.
I had this idealistic view of how the birth was going to happen and I was disappointed when reality set in and it didn’t go my way.
This is what I need to remember…
~My body may not look perfect now, but my babies are perfect. My body will get there in its own time.
~I may have a scar, but it does prove I brought life into this world. I know there are many people who are not able to even experience giving birth. For this I will be forever grateful.
~My body may have failed to give birth naturally, but it survived an ordeal of an operation.
~I survived!
~God made me. He made ALL of me, right down to the intricate details and inner parts of my body. He designed me with much love and care and knew exactly what my body could handle. It says so in Psalm 139.
I hope this post helps someone in some way to give some insight in what feelings may be expected after having an unplanned c-section. My experience may not be the same as the next person, nor will it mean this is what is meant to happen. I wanted to share some of what I went through and what I was feeling in case there may be one other person out there looking for some reassurance.
If what I have written has resonated with you, please feel free to let me know. More importantly, please consider taking some time to talk to some one about your feelings, either a loved one, a friend, or a healthcare professional. It’s important to acknowledge what you are feeling and to receive help when necessary to deal with any issues or feelings which may arise.
Remember, you are not alone. You are deeply loved and wonderfully made.
