All posts by Lynne

#notmyshame, Abuse

Break the Silence

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I know all too well the weight of silence and the stigma of shame with being a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA). However, the shame is not mine to hold. It is time to break the silence. With that in mind, yesterday, I donned on my #notmyshame t-shirt with a sense of purpose.  

I shared on social media an insight into why I wore my t-shirt…click here to view it.

As I nervously stepped through the hospital doors, I felt a sense of pride as I thought about the change I might spark. The words emblazoned on my chest felt like an outcry against the shadows of shame.

As I navigated my way through the hospital, I noticed the glances, the curious whispers, and the hesitant stares. But I stood tall and remembered the purpose of wearing my t-shirt. Yesterday was not about hiding; it was about breaking the silence.

In the Waiting Room

I could feel the different reactions towards what I was wearing. No-one spoke a word. They didn’t need to. In my mind I hoped for conversations to spark. I could see what they wanted to say in their eyes.

One nurse softened her face towards me and her eyes seemed to be filled with empathy. A gentleman with his eyes wide open looked to be in shock. When I caught a glimpse of him staring, his head quickly turned with that “stiff British upper-lip” look on him that resonated with disdain.

My name was called. As I entered the room I could see in the doctor’s eyes that he was a little uncomfortable about my message. But amidst all of this, there was a small change that surfaced. When it came to examining me, the doctor without question, called in the nurse to chaperone me. This has never been asked of me before. For the first time, I felt there was a seed of awareness that had been planted in his mind and it made him recognise that I had a need. 

For the first time, I felt there was a seed of awareness that had been planted in his mind and it made him recognise that I had a need.  Share on X

For the first time, although I didn’t speak, I felt heard. In those moments, I felt a sense of power knowing that wearing the t-shirt had ignited a sense of understanding. The journey towards breaking the chains of shame is not without its hurdles, but with every moment I wear the #notmyshame t-shirt, it gives me strength and paves the path for others to follow and break the silence.

On the 1st May 2024 the NotMyShame global movement will mark the power of authentic voices from around the world, turning the tables on the silence and shame of Child Sexual Abuse. To learn more about this movement please click here.

Faith, Five Minute Friday

Absent Minded

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“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”
Psalm 13:1

I long for the void of what seems like an absent God to be fulfilled. It feels like God has either forgotten me, or he has turned his back against me. I know I have been taught God knows everything and never forgets me, but it’s not what I feel right now. Maybe the medication I am on is dulling my senses and this is the reason why I don’t feel God is around me anymore? 

I know, as Christians, we go through seasons where we feel far from God. This is not a new phenomenon. It was the same with David in this Psalm, it’s the same with me, and I’m sure it is the same for many people reading this. (Do I hear a “hell, yeah!”) 

It’s like sending a text message to someone, seeing they have read it and then they don’t answer. 

Why don’t they answer? 

Are they ignoring me? 

Have I done something to upset them? 

Do they not want to know me anymore? 

Am I being abandoned?

These are the thoughts that go through my head. Working through these seasons where we feel God is ignoring us is not easy. Especially when feelings of being abandoned are conjured up. Memories from our childhood start to surface. Before we know it, we are consumed with what has happened in our past instead of what is going on now, or thinking of what the future holds. 

It’s an ever decreasing spiral, and one that takes  a lot of mental energy to turn around. Believe me, I know! I have been in a deep valley for a while now wondering if I will ever be on top of the mountain again. Where is God when I need Him? Where is He when all I see is a dead place? 

Through gentle words of loving people, I have realised that I’ve acclimatised myself to these uncomfortable places. 

I am the one who is absent. 

I need to climb out of this deep valley in order to be more present with the One who I feel is absent. It’s not going to be easy, but I know it’s not impossible. I know, because I caught a glimpse of it last week when I went out for a walk with my family. 

I stood at the top of the hill we had just climbed looking out for miles on end. For the first time in ages, I felt where God was. He was there all along…and He was just waiting for me to find Him. Well, for a moment, I found Him on that day. And this gives me hope to keep on climbing. 

Absent

This post was written for the Five Minute Friday Community. A number of writers gather for a weekly writing challenge around a single word prompt and write to our hearts content, but only for five minutes (or their abouts).

This weeks word prompt is ‘absence’. Click here if you want to see what other people wrote. You can also have a go yourself. What do you think of when you hear the word ‘absence’?

Faith

Christmas is the Most Wonderful Time of the Year…or is it?

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Christmas is meant to be “the most wonderful time of the year”, or so the song says. I wonder if Andy Williams was in the real world when he sung that song. “Kids jingle belling”? More like kids jingle yelling! Who’s with me on that one? 

It is meant to be a time of celebration, whether you believe in what Christmas is about or not. It’s not just about exchanging gifts, although I know it can seem nice, but that does cause a lot of pressure. Christmas is not about the food we eat or the amount of drink we have, although I am enjoying indulging a little, even if my waistline isn’t. 

This Christmas has not been an easy one. Circumstances beyond my control have made me re-think what Christmas means to me. I wrote quite vulnerably in a previous post wondering where God is in the midst of my mess. So with this in mind, trying to focus on what Christmas is about has been quite a challenge.

Christmas candlelight

A new way of seeing

We are in a season where, despite the darkness, there is plenty of light around us: The lights we put around the house; the decorations on the tree; the candles we light. However, when you feel the light is not enough, trying to find a new way of seeing things is hard when you feel you are surrounded by the darkness. I certainly struggled to “be of good cheer” at “the most wonderful time of the year”.

In the lead-up to Christmas, I was focussing on what was missing around me. Then it clicked. I needed to shift my focus. I needed to look towards what I had, and not worry about what, or who, was missing.

Earlier, I mentioned that Christmas is not about the exchanging of gifts. However, maybe Christmas is about a type of ‘present’. Not the gifts we give, but about how we can be present with each other. Christmas is about focussing on the people we have around us and coming together to help each other. 

Christmas is about focussing on the people we have around us and coming together to help each other.  Share on X

Once I realised this, I started to look inward instead of outward. My heart then began to glow because I became more present with the loved ones I had near. I saw in my children the joy they bring, and in my husband the love I needed so much. Christmas, to me, then became a little more wonderful again. 

Abuse

Shame – From the Eyes of a Three Year Old

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I clearly remember what happened to me when I was 3 years old and the shame that came with it. Some people say this is far too young to remember specific details. 

I disagree. 

I remember what my room was like and where furniture was positioned. Every detail of what was done by a man I didn’t know is still in my mind. I vividly remember the shame felt when I spoke of what was done.

Continue reading Shame – From the Eyes of a Three Year Old →
Faith

What Do I Do When I Don’t Feel God?

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Life can feel pretty messy. And I’m not talking about getting-your-hands-a-bit-dirty type of messy. On the contrary, I’m on about the full-blown, knee-deep-in-shit type of messy. That’s where I am at the moment – Knee deep in life’s messy crap! 

I feel like I am going through one of the most trying times of my life right now. Every week seems to present itself with a new challenge. As each week goes by, I wonder how much more I can take. How much more is God going to give me?

How am I coping?

You may ask, and I might answer – maybe not always truthfully. Most people probably get “I’m fine” or “it’s ok”. But the truth is, I’m not fine and I am not ok. In fact, I’m at the point where I am questioning where God is in all of this mess. 

I still believe in God. That much is certain. With everything we are going through, I struggle to see what His plans are. Right now, I can’t see how anything good can come from what is going on. 

I turn up to church feeling like a hypocrite. I’m supposed to be singing and praising God, but I just feel dead. I feel like there is a spirit of heaviness upon me, wrapping its arms around me and clinging on tight.

So why bother going?

That has been the question going through my mind. Why do I bother going if I can’t pray and sing praises? What is the point? This was what I said, quite flippantly, to a trusted friend at church. And their response?

Just. Keep. Coming. 

All that is needed is for me to turn up and come as I am…along with my messes. Nothing more. Nothing less. This moment where I feel like there is a hole which feels so empty, is a moment where I let others come around me and fill that hole for me. They stand around me and sing and pray when I feel I can’t.

This moment where I feel like there is a hole which feels so empty, is a moment where I let others come around me and fill that hole for me. Share on X

Maybe this is where God is working His purpose out. Maybe He is working through other people to help me. So, here I am, just as I am (with my messy shit) asking for those to come around me and to stand in the gap with me. Whatever happens, I’ll just keep coming, and leave God to work out the rest. 

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. 
Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT)