Category Archives: Abuse

#notmyshame, Abuse

Break the Silence

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I know all too well the weight of silence and the stigma of shame with being a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA). However, the shame is not mine to hold. It is time to break the silence. With that in mind, yesterday, I donned on my #notmyshame t-shirt with a sense of purpose.  

I shared on social media an insight into why I wore my t-shirt…click here to view it.

As I nervously stepped through the hospital doors, I felt a sense of pride as I thought about the change I might spark. The words emblazoned on my chest felt like an outcry against the shadows of shame.

As I navigated my way through the hospital, I noticed the glances, the curious whispers, and the hesitant stares. But I stood tall and remembered the purpose of wearing my t-shirt. Yesterday was not about hiding; it was about breaking the silence.

In the Waiting Room

I could feel the different reactions towards what I was wearing. No-one spoke a word. They didn’t need to. In my mind I hoped for conversations to spark. I could see what they wanted to say in their eyes.

One nurse softened her face towards me and her eyes seemed to be filled with empathy. A gentleman with his eyes wide open looked to be in shock. When I caught a glimpse of him staring, his head quickly turned with that “stiff British upper-lip” look on him that resonated with disdain.

My name was called. As I entered the room I could see in the doctor’s eyes that he was a little uncomfortable about my message. But amidst all of this, there was a small change that surfaced. When it came to examining me, the doctor without question, called in the nurse to chaperone me. This has never been asked of me before. For the first time, I felt there was a seed of awareness that had been planted in his mind and it made him recognise that I had a need. 

For the first time, I felt there was a seed of awareness that had been planted in his mind and it made him recognise that I had a need.  Share on X

For the first time, although I didn’t speak, I felt heard. In those moments, I felt a sense of power knowing that wearing the t-shirt had ignited a sense of understanding. The journey towards breaking the chains of shame is not without its hurdles, but with every moment I wear the #notmyshame t-shirt, it gives me strength and paves the path for others to follow and break the silence.

On the 1st May 2024 the NotMyShame global movement will mark the power of authentic voices from around the world, turning the tables on the silence and shame of Child Sexual Abuse. To learn more about this movement please click here.

Abuse

Shame – From the Eyes of a Three Year Old

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I clearly remember what happened to me when I was 3 years old and the shame that came with it. Some people say this is far too young to remember specific details. 

I disagree. 

I remember what my room was like and where furniture was positioned. Every detail of what was done by a man I didn’t know is still in my mind. I vividly remember the shame felt when I spoke of what was done.

Continue reading Shame – From the Eyes of a Three Year Old →
Abuse, Faith

We Deserve to be Free – Standing For Justice

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We deserve to be free

There is a subject that is rarely spoken about. It affects so many people in numerous ways, especially in churches. Don’t we deserve to be free from what holds us down? Then why avoid tackling a subject that holds so many people in chains? As a church, God calls us to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners.” Isaiah 61:1

Personally, I feel God is calling me to take a stand against this “taboo” word.

What am I referring to?

Well, if you haven’t read any of my posts before, then this may come as a shock. (I touched on the subject in my previous post). I am taking a stand for those who have been sexually abused. Especially for those who suffered when they were children, just as I was. 

Far too many people feel ashamed when they suffer abuse and stay silent. Why should they? It wasn’t their fault. So, I have decided to step up, stand up and speak out and be a voice for those who feel they don’t have a voice. 

I have decided to step up, stand up and speak out and be a voice for those who feel they don’t have a voice.  #csasurvivor #standingforjustice Share on X

I choose to stand for justice for all those who have suffered sexual abuse. Not necessarily justice in the way of bringing the perpetrators to justice, although that would always be a better outcome. It’s also justice for survivors and the way we are treated in every day life. Whether in church or in hospitals or in our work setting. By doctors, nurses, pastors or our boss. The list is endless. 

Why is this important?

When we release the experiences of what we have been through in our lives, it is crucial to our healing to be treated and responded to in the right way. My experiences I have had over the years when I have shared about my past have varied quite a lot. I have found very few people really know how to react or treat a survivor of sexual abuse. People have either ignored, laughed at, or played down my experiences. People feel awkward and just don’t know what to say. 

When we release the experiences of what we have been through in our lives, it is crucial to our healing to be treated and responded to in the right way. #csasurvivor Share on X

My experiences I had this last week with an endoscopy procedure is a classic example of what victims and survivors of abuse face on a daily basis. I wrote a thread on Twitter about what I went through and asked a few questions to see if I was alone in the way I felt. The sad thing was, I wasn’t. 

Here’s my story…

The nurse asked me before my procedure if there were any questions. The endoscopy made me feel anxious. I shared with the nurse why I was anxious and mentioned I was sexually abused as a child. It took me a lot of courage to mention it to her. During the procedure I really struggled and started to panic. Afterwards, I asked the nurse if she had said anything to anyone. Her reply? She felt no need to.

What?? She felt no need to?

This left me feeling invalidated. How could you not feel the need to? The whole idea of me mentioning my sexual abuse was to feel reassured – especially if I panicked. I felt totally the opposite. 

By God’s strength I managed to pluck up the courage to speak to a senior nurse. I expected to be sidelined and passed off with some excuse. What happened next had me in tears. She listened. She actually listened. Every word I spoke she took in and was so reassuring. And then she apologised. It was not her doing, but she apologised. 

This is what should of happened in the first place. The system needs to change. People need to change. Anyone in a position where they tend to people’s wellbeing needs to know how to deal with trauma.

Far too many people have suffered when they experience sexual abuse. We shouldn’t need to carry on suffering afterwards. This is why I stand for justice for sexual abuse survivors.

What do you stand for?

Abuse, Faith, Five Minute Friday

Choosing to Heal to Lift Others

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Choosing to Heal to Lift Others
Choosing to Heal to Lift Others

I am taking part this week in the Five Minute Friday word prompt. This is where a single word is given and you write whatever comes into your head about this word. Sometimes nothing comes into my head, so I don’t always take part. Other times I might think of something, but never get 5 minutes to write. When I do write, however, it is because I have something on my heart which I would like to share. 

This weeks word prompt is one of those moments where I felt prompted to share with you. The word prompt for this week is ‘lift’. (Read here to see what other people wrote). In a nutshell, when I think of the word lift, I think of how we can bring hope to other people. This is my rambling thought for this week…

Lift
Lift – Five Minute Friday Word Prompt
⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

I share content that may trigger some memories for you. If that is the case, then please seek some help if necessary, and be kind to yourself.

As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, every day I make the decision to heal from the impact of the abuse I suffered. Some days are easier than others and I can process some of the shit that goes around in my head. Other days I just choose not to deal with it. Sometimes it is easier to “box and shelve” it rather than open it up and make a mess everywhere. Then there are the days when everything spills everywhere anyway and I end up in a mess.

Either way, I wake up each morning facing the same decision to make…do I want to heal? And my answer is always yes! Why? Because I want to be able to lift other people up and bring hope to those who have been through similar experiences. I want to be a voice for those who do not have a voice. I want to show to others that it is possible to live after suffering something so traumatic. 

“Bless the world with your mind, heal the world with your heart, lift the world with your soul; elevate the world with your life.”

Matshona Dhliwayo

It’s not been easy

This healing journey I’ve been on has been a challenge. Some days have been so dark it’s been hard to see the light. I’ve often wondered if all this is worth it, fighting for what is right. But when I look at my children, I realise it is. I would never want them to experience what I experienced as a child growing up. No child should experience abuse, in whatever form. 

If speaking out helps a child to say stop, or lifts up an adult to see hope, then it is totally worth going through the pain of healing. I couldn’t have gotten through this healing process though if it wasn’t for my faith, and also the unwavering support of my husband lifting me up. Without these, I wouldn’t have had the grace, strength and perseverance to continue. 

If speaking out helps a child to say stop, or lifts up an adult to see hope, then it is totally worth going through the pain of healing. Share on X
Abuse, Faith, Five Minute Friday

Broken But Not Beyond Repair

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Broken

I am joining in with the Five Minute Friday writing community this week. I haven’t written in a while. However, when I saw what the writing prompt was there was only one thing that came to my mind. To tell my story. The word prompt for this week is ‘broken’, and I may have spent a little bit more than five minutes. Click here if you would like to read what other people have written.

Broken But Not Beyond Repair

Broken
Broken But Not Beyond Repair

One of our Associate Vicars gave a sermon last Sunday. It was based on the conversion of Saul when he was travelling to Damascus. Saul’s conversion into Paul would have become one of those moments in history that would have been retold over and over again. Saul’s transformation by Jesus became ‘his story’. It was his story that would have changed how Christianity was perceived forever. 

Picture this. A man who was condemning Christians so much, he would hunt them down and have them killed. This very same man had such an encounter with Christ that it completely turned him around. He now hunts non-Christians down so he can tell them the truth about Jesus and save them. What a story! 

Everyone has a story to tell of how Jesus touches their life. It may not be the flash-out-of-the-sky type of story, but it is a story nonetheless that could change the way a person sees Jesus. 

Our Associate Vicar asked us what our stories are and were we willing to retell our stories for others to encounter Jesus. I would like to say yes, but my story is not an easy one to share. It’s also not something everyone would want to hear. But it is a story that will show others there is hope. If there is anything that I’ve learnt over the past year from this pandemic, is that we all need hope. 

If there is anything that I’ve learnt over the past year from this pandemic, is that we all need hope.  Share on X

What is my Story?

My story is one that tells of a child who felt broken by the effects of sexual abuse. She felt so broken she thought no-one loved her anymore. She felt she didn’t deserve any love. In fact, as she grew older, the shame she carried grew with her. 

I couldn’t trust anyone because I felt so broken. I couldn’t even trust a God who loved me no matter what I had been through. The abuse I suffered completely distorted how I viewed God, and myself. Ultimately, it affected my ability to be able to trust Him and anyone else around me.

It’s been a slow process (nothing like what Saul experienced), but over the years God has shown me how much He loves me. He has shown me it doesn’t matter how broken I may feel inside, I am not beyond repair. It’s not been easy, I won’t lie. I still struggle on a daily basis to accept God’s love and to trust Him. 

One thing I am sure of though is this…I have God by my side through every step of my journey. He will send me His Holy Spirit, not to make me afraid of what is going to happen, but to give me the strength I need so I can step out and tell my story.

With the help of people who God places around me, my healing will continue and I will keep on growing. In the process, my desire is that my story provides a glimmer of hope for someone else going through something similar. 

Something to think about…

Do you have a story to tell? If so, are you willing to share it with someone so they could encounter Christ? If you are a little nervous sharing, why not find a trusted friend to start off with. Telling your story for the first time can be daunting, but with practice it does get a little easier.

Prayer

Lord, thank you for the example of Paul in the Bible in the way that you encountered him. Thank you that he was faithful in telling his story to others so that they could encounter you. I pray that you send your Holy Spirit upon us to help us when we need to tell our stories. Give us the opportunities to speak to others so that we can allow them to encounter you just like we have. And if our stories are hard stories to tell, give us the courage to be a voice to those who need to hear. In your name, Amen.

If anything I have written has resonated with you, then I urge you to seek support. Please be kind to you and practice self-care. IF you’re in the US you can reach out to RAINN at 1.800.656.HOPE. If you are in the UK you can email the Samaritans at Jo@Samaritans.org or call them on 116 123 (UK) or 116 123 (ROI).