I clearly remember what happened to me when I was 3 years old and the shame that came with it. Some people say this is far too young to remember specific details. 

I disagree. 

I remember what my room was like and where furniture was positioned. Every detail of what was done by a man I didn’t know is still in my mind. I vividly remember the shame felt when I spoke of what was done.

Unconsciously, that feeling of shame lived with me throughout my childhood. I never wanted to experience that again. So, when I had a second encounter when I was seven, I kept it a secret. For four years. 

I have been processing what it was like to be my three year old self as I find myself reliving some memories. I have never acknowledged what this little girl felt because all my focus has been on what I endured in my second abuse.

That first encounter changed my life though and how I was to respond going forward. No child should experience what I did. Most of all, no child should be made to feel what I felt…

Didn’t I Do Good?

I was only 3 when I first felt shame.
I’m pretty sure I did nothing wrong. 
I thought if I said what happened it would be ok. 

I thought you would be pleased with me.

After all, isn’t it good to tell the truth?
Then why was I made to feel I was the one who was naughty?
You looked angry. 

Was that at me?

I felt like I was burning up inside. 
Not with anger.
I didn’t know what this feeling was.
This was different.

I know when I am sad. 
Tears wanted to come out, but I wasn’t sad. 
I know when I am happy. This did not feel like I was happy.
I know when I am cross when I fold my arms.

I wanted to curl up and pretend no-one could see me.
It felt confusing not knowing what to say, but so much was in my mind.
I couldn’t move and I felt sick.

I was scared.

Looking up to you, I froze.
I felt like the bad one.
No-one gave me a hug to say it was ok.
No-one told me that I did good.

I must have done something wrong.

I did as I was told though. 
After all, I am only a child. 
I have to do what adults tell me to do. 

Right?

Children should be seen and not heard you said.
I kept quiet when I needed to. 
I didn’t make a sound. 

Didn’t I do good? 

I didn’t know what was happening when he came into my room. 
He was bigger than me.
I thought he was playing with me. 

Aren’t I a “good girl”? 

What did I do that was wrong?
Let him play?
Keep quiet?
Tell the truth?

Don’t worry. 

I won’t tell the truth next time. 
I don’t want to feel like this again.

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How can you relieve shame for a child?

When a child discloses it will affect them for the rest of their lives. If a child feels shame based on the trauma they have endured, this changes how they see themselves. Shame attacks the core of how children view themselves. It is crucial how adults respond to children in this situation.

It is important adults come alongside children and talk about how they feel. They need to get down on their level and not tower over the top of them. After all, the last thing a child needs is to be reminded of the abuse they experienced.

Parents needs to show empathy and communicate with their child rather than at the child. Showing care and compassion helps the child to feel safe. It also helps to bring the shame out rather than hiding it. There is nothing worse for the child than to let shame fester inside. Believe me!

Putting all this aside, the best way to help your child, is to love them. That vulnerable child needs your love now more than ever. Denying a child a hug instils in their mind that they were the one in the wrong. They need to know they are not the ones who are bad – their perpetrators are!

Shame attacks the core of how children view themselves. It is crucial how adults respond to children in this situation. Share on X

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If anything I have written has resonated with you, then I urge you to seek support. Please be kind to you and practice self-care. If you are in the US you can reach out to RAINN at 1.800.656.HOPE. If you are in the UK you can email the Samaritans at Jo@Samaritans.org or call them on 116 123 (UK).