Have you ever been at peace? I’m not talking about being quiet and still. I’m talking about being content. Are you content with what ever you are going through at this time in your life? Are you happy and satisfied with the moment that you are in?  Well, if I answer this honestly, I’m not.  And that hurts me to say this.  How can I not be content with what I see in front of me?

I take a look at my life and see all the wonderful things that I am fortunate to have. I have a wonderful, lovely husband who is so caring and loving, and I love him deeply.  He is not only my husband, but he is my soul mate.  He is one of the greatest gifts from God that I could ever be blessed with. He has been a rock in my life and I know I wouldn’t be where I am without him. I also have 3 other little gifts from God, and that is my 3 beautiful children.  Ok, so they test me to the limits at times, but what kids don’t? They are full of energy, mischievous, funny and absolutely adorable. I have a lovely house with a big, beautiful back garden. The type of garden that needs a sit on lawn mower to cut the grass! I also have a great job that I really enjoy doing. 

I hear you say then, ‘Why are you not happy?’ Why then do I feel like there is something missing. I feel empty. I feel a deep longing for something to fulfil my life. I feel a spiritual emptiness in my life at the moment and I am not satisfied. This is not to say that I am not a Christian anymore, or that I don’t love God, because I do. I feel that I have good intentions…I am reading devotionals…praying more…getting more into my worship, but there is still something missing. A couple of Sundays ago, when the opportunity arose to receive the Holy Spirit, I stepped forward to receive and felt nothing. I expected to have this warm sensation inside me. My heart was beating so fast, but inside I felt nothing. How demoralised I felt afterwards.

What my problem is, is that I am not content with what I have  in front of me and where I am in my life. I need to be content with the present moment that I am in. I need to do this so that I can live life to the full. The reason for me not being content though, and this takes a lot for to write this, is the way that I feel about myself.  People look at me and probably think I am this ‘hard’ Northerner that doesn’t worry about what she says to people.  I don’t mix my words.  I tell it to people straight, and what you see is what you get!  If you want an honest answer to something, rest assured I will give it… and it doesn’t matter who you are either! Why then should I have problems with self worth?  Why do I feel insecure about myself?

I feel that I don’t measure up to be a good mother, or the good wife that I need to be. I often feel that I fail in these areas and don’t then cope too well. Working full time, looking after three young children, tending to the family home and then coping with the general demands of life make feel like I am worthless at times when it doesn’t all go too well. Truth is, I am probably doing ok actually, but I am too hard on myself to realise this.  I need to do what Matthew says and not worry about what others think of me.  I should concentrate on what God thinks… He loves me for who I am… His precious daughter.

Matthew 6:25-26 – “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?”